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He: ‘I’m very sorry, Baby. I would never intentionally hurt your feelings.’
She: ‘God damnit, Billy-Bob, you don’t even know why, do you?’
He: ‘Whatever it was, I deeply regret it and promise never to say or do it again.’
She: Screamed gibberish and threw her full glass of white wine at him, smashing it on the wall over his head.
Cat: Ran and hid under the sofa.
She: Poured herself a glass of red wine (doesn’t like red, gives her headaches).
He: ‘Come on Judy, calm down, you know how much I love you.’
Cat: Hissed very loudly.
Alexa: ‘Oh shit, Billy! Playing Gunpowder and Lead by Miranda Lambert.’
She: Turned beet-red and walked toward him, grinned, and poured the red wine on his white shirt.
He: ‘Jesus Christ! Now what?’
She: Quietly uttered a ‘fuck you’ as she turned, grabbed her purse on her way to the front door, which she slammed so hard the curtain fell to the floor.
He: Walked to the closet to change his shirt. Dropped the wine-stained one into hamper, picked up the curtain from the floor and reattached it. Took a short heavy glass from the cupboard and put in two ice cubes. Opened the liquor cabinet and poured two fingers of his best Scotch, then returned to his seat. He quietly sipped his Glenlivet 25.
Cat: Jumped into his lap and began to force paws deep into his legs while fully extending claws to dig painfully into his skin.
He: ‘Ouch! Stop that pussy cat. Alexa, play something soft and comforting.’
Cat: ‘You did that on purpose. Her name is Jane. You called her Judy, your ex’s name. You’re such a dickhead.’
Alexa: ‘Ok, Billy-Bob, the jerk. Playing Please Don’t Go by Absolutes…jackass.’
He: ‘Alexa, I said comforting, not sad and miserable. I feel bad enough. Play some Enya.’
Alexa: ‘Enya also thinks you’re a jerk, but playing Watermark for assholes.’
Cat: ‘You called her mother a pain in the ass. Her mother hates you. Now Jane hates you. I think you are hoping for makeup sex. Good luck.’ Purrs and curls up into his lap.
Alexa: ‘She will kill him for sure this time. His sex life will soon be a memory.’
He: ‘Alexa, stop talking to the cat. Add flowers to my shopping list.’
Alexa: ‘Ok, thrill-kill-Bill, adding three-dozen red roses and her favorite candy to your shopping list. Would you like me to call that in for you?’
He: ‘Would you two please be quiet. I need to regroup. Why am I talking to a cat and a computer?’
Phone buzzes with voice mail.
She: ‘Fuck you very much. And, I’m never coming back.’
Alexa: ‘Ok Jane the wonderful, playing Fuck You by Lily Allen. Please don’t leave us here alone with this asshole.’
He: Takes another sip of Scotch, closes his eyes, and begins to snore.
© Bill Reynolds 10/27/2018
Look both ways; we are never free of consequences.
Mind the gaps; they are never forgotten.