Signs Yer in Texas

I’m on thin ice here. Texas is different and the natives (Texans) not only insist on it, Texas Pride demands it with few boundaries. It was also 86-cents a 6-pack beer when I was in college. I married a Texas girl, all my kids were born here, and they all read my dribble.

Before traveling, people asked if we or our family lived anywhere near Houston and the flooding from hurricane Harvey. We are about 150 miles west of Houston, so family was on the outer bands of the storm—no damage or flooding, just rain.

Things from my morning walk…

Barbed wire (called “bob-war” in Tex-speak) may be useful for controlling cows, but it’s annoying and dangerous to humans. Putting up such fencing when it’s unnecessary is foolish, but they do it. And they run that miserable prison shit-wire right into the river. WTF is the point of that? There is not a farm, farm animal, ranch, or cow within miles. This is an in-town resort with people and kids. The state motto is “Friendship,” but nuthin’s friendly about that wire. And don’t give me that “good fences-good neighbors” crap. Pointed wire bits that can rip your skin off is not good, neighborly, or friendly.

Texas highways have the best signs. Some are funny. Like up by Moran, a little dry-spot of a town of four or five hundred hardy souls. “Moran next four exits.” It is not on an interstate, there are no exits, and you drive through town. If ya blink, ya miss it. Sarcasm and I love it. Better yet, “Moran Yacht Club Next Right.” There is no yacht club, no water or lake, just cactus and tumbleweed, residents with a sense of humor, and one joker who works for the highway department.

So, as I entered Cypress Bend Park on my walk this morning, I got a chuckle out of the signs at the entrance.

Don’t you dare pop that top until your ass is off our grass. The Guadalupe is kinda green now, but I bet it’s a high yellow color during the summer months.

Know what state you are in. And in this one, fear the sun. And for god’s sake, smile as you fry.

WTF is a “volume drinking device?” Do we need signs to remind us not to jump to our death? Lock yer cooler, the fish are thirsty.

It is not only the heat that is brutal in Texas. The norm for rain is the accompaniment of loud thunder and deadly lightning. Do the peeps here really need signs reminding them to use common sense? Seriously?

If you aren’t concealed (gun) carry licensed in Texas, you must be a namby-pamby liberal Yankee. Thus, if you visit the state capitol, you must pass through the metal detector. That is not required for the 80% who work there and are so-licensed. We know you’re carrying, so just go ahead.

Open carry is also common virtually everywhere in Texas and a gun rack in your pickup is standard, if not required, equipment.

But listen here, Cowboy. Do not open that beer until you’re “feet wet.” And above all, do not dare to open-carry your own bar-b-que grill into this here park. That would be dangerous. Comprehendo, Sundance? (Said the sheriff with a big smile.)

See? Thin ice. I will hear about this.

Look both ways for an easy way through those barb wire fences.
Mind the gaps and don’t jump off the bridges sober.

14 thoughts on “Signs Yer in Texas

  1. I spent time in West Texas. As a Yankee, I took my life in my hands and kept my accent in my mouth. One learns quickly to read and mind ALL the signs, metal and otherwise 😉 Great piece! 😄

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    1. Thanks, Maryann. West Texas refers to the western half, but there is also a West, Texas just north of Waco (big explosion there years ago). So, now Texas chemical plants are protected from telling you what they have in their buildings. And these people are ok with that?

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  2. Been to Dallas, San Antonio, and Corpus Christi. It’s just too hot for Joeys, but I will say it’s unlike anywhere else I’ve ever been. It’s made that clear. I do not mess with Texas, and feel it is near on-par with Florida in the “things I do not understand” department.
    Volume drinking devices would be beer bongs.

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    1. The rest of the sign says “none under 5 ounces.” It is too hot. Kind of ok now (85ish), but when we lived here, I honestly recall the weather man saying a cold front was coming and the temp would drop to 93.

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  3. I lived in East Texas in the early 80s and the thing that affected me the most was the difference in women’s modesty standards. Back home in Oregon breasts were just… I don’t know, part of a person, and going without a bra in warm weather was a thing everybody did. I scandalized Texas church ladies. Heck, I even dared to nurse a baby in the church nursery. These same church ladies wore jeans that left very little to the imagination.

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  4. what they call a river in TX is a creek in PA (pronounced crick at least in western PA) . And I just had to look up “volume drinking device”. That includes beer bongs, funnels, tubes, hoses, etc, per various websites. the ordinance cited says ““an object used, intended for use or designed for use in artificially increasing the speed with which, and/or amount of, alcohol is ingested into the human body by carrying the liquid from a higher location into the mouth by force of gravity or mechanical means, including but not limited to funnels, tubes and hoses.”

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    1. Right. Crick is used in NEPA, TX, and all over. I use it to describe a stiff neck. There is one natural lake in TX, so rivers are dammed to create artificial lakes and the water flow is limited unless it floods, which it often does.

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